Sometimes the loudest voices we need to quiet are the ones inside our own heads—the critics, the doubts, the constant noise that drowns out creativity and courage.
I’m an overthinker, unfortunately a worrier, and deeply empathetic. My brain goes 24/7 and even wakes me up in the night sometimes. I’ve written about writing blogs as a way of journaling and connecting myself to the truth of God’s Word as an anchor. In the last year I accidentally discovered an activity that forces me to completely devote my whole brain to its execution, effectively silencing all of the voices. I’m not a painter, or I never have been anyway. My mother minored in art in college and taught it in public school until the funding was cut. She’s phenomenal at painting, drawing, decorating, regardless of the medium, she can create. The things she can bring to life with a simple pencil are astounding. I feel like I’ve always been a disappointment to her since I could barely draw a stick figure.
On a whim and in search of something refreshingly different, I found myself at an art studio in the Hampton-Newport News, Virginia area called Painting with a Twist. The studio offers walk-in projects—just choose a painting, pay for your canvas, and they set up your space as you follow step-by-step directions. What I didn’t expect was how much this experience would demand of me: I had to focus intently on the instructions, the color mixing, and the brushwork. It felt like my brain was running at 100%—the way your computer’s CPU spikes when it’s running a heavy program, yet somehow everything keeps working smoothly instead of crashing!
I’ll be honest: I’m not a big risk-taker. In dominoes, I only bid if I’m sure I can win. I rarely leap unless there’s a backup for my backup plan. Trying to become more flexible in this area, I realized painting was a safe, controlled way to take risks. I was honestly terrified to touch that blank canvas with my brush, not knowing if I could follow the directions. The result? My very first painting—proof that sometimes courage is as simple as making the first brushstroke.
Another reason I’d never painted before—aside from doubting my talent—was that it always seemed like such a feminine activity. While yes, I’m a woman, mom, and wife, I’m also a tomboy at heart. I love the outdoors, anything tough and dirty, and I feel awkward in dresses or shopping at boutiques. I often feel out of place at “girly” women’s events, surrounded by talented women who always look magazine-ready and have homes impeccably decorated for every season. I know this is my own hang-up—a small mindset that’s begun to shift in a big way.
With everything happening in our country right now—especially the heartbreak of the horrific loss of life in Texas—I’ve found myself doom-scrolling social media, overwhelmed by negativity. I’ve wept, prayed about, and executed ways to help every day since learning of the tragedy in the Hill Country. It’s been painful to watch compassion get lost in politicized commentary. Yesterday, I decided to try painting —to give 100% of my mind to something else for a bit, to create a moment of quiet and focus in one of my new favorite places.
There are other activities that require my full attention—hiking, for example. Shaun and I recently trekked down the Grand Canyon, and standing in awe of that landscape inspired my latest painting. That’s part of why we love hiking and backpacking: it forces us to be fully present. Sometimes you have to silence the voices, leave work at work and social media in the ether, and do something so challenging it demands all of you, right there in the moment. I never expected to find such a tool at my own dining room table, but I’m grateful to have stumbled onto it. Below is the result of yesterday’s effort to silence the noise and just be present.
Every day I open some platform of social media and I see a news article or shared post for prayer because someone has committed suicide. I’ve attended funerals for people, loved ones, who have succumbed to the heaviness in their mind and taken their own lives. It’s heartbreaking and something that Christians especially, should be doing more to offer hope and help about. Unfortunately, too often the evangelical community inadvertently, due to a lack of understanding, particularly with personal experience, perpetuates a taboo sort of stigma in regard to depression.
My husband, who loves me and loves the Lord, who has been to seminary and has studied Biblical counseling and even completed a certificate program, who has served alongside me in ministry for years, doesn’t and has never struggled with depression. I who also love him and love the Lord, have also been to seminary and studied alongside Shaun in the same Biblical counseling classes, sometimes struggle with both anxiety and depression. Shaun cannot relate to me exactly because he doesn’t struggle in the same ways that I do, but because he loves me and he lives with me and sees me daily, tries very hard to minister to me and support me, especially on the rough days. He sees all of my Bible study books scattered about the house, he receives my random texts about something exciting I connected in my daily reading or a new study, he receives my texts about prayer for him, our kids, friends, family, and his teammates. He has witnessed, once even in the last week, me sharing the gospel and attempting to help a person I had just met understand the pain and suffering of this world.
He has also seen, this week, me break down in tears, feeling unworthy, and undesirable because I’ve put multiple resumes out and job applications out with no fruitful results, to have been so active and passionate about serving the Lord in our previous church, only to not be able to find a place where we are currently located. To feel invisible, certainly humbled, nothing special, and apart from the fact that I have 3 amazing happy, healthy children who are well educated, one with a degree and a job positively contributing to society and doing the adult thing, one 15 hours from her first degree and she’s not even 18, the 3rd 24 hours into his first and just turning 16, and ALL 3 KNOWING and LOVING the Lord, their eternity secured through repentance and faith in Jesus as Savior and Lord……ok when you type that out its not nothing…….but other than that and a stack of degrees and certificates with a lot of non-traditional teaching and managing experience feeling like I have nothing else to show for my 41 years.
I’m the first to admit that just because someone has a degree doesn’t mean they get the job or should even be in that field, but I do have personal experience and the testimony of both clients, my kids/students, and of those I have served, but it feels like none of that counts. Your mind goes to crazy places and tells you that yes, those people supported, affirmed, helped, and loved you while you were giving them your time and resources but not now. You can rationally look and see that you have blessings piled up a mile high or more and have no reason to be sad, but there it is, and you even get frustrated with yourself because you know better, but you still feel this way.
The one place that you should feel safe coming to and having people put their arms around you and love you and walk through it with you doesn’t. Because for some reason, rather than being vulnerable with each other, we view vulnerability as a weakness and if you say these things even at church its taboo. You either are participating in unrepentant sin or you aren’t reading your Bible enough, or you aren’t praying enough, or you aren’t serving enough. Or you make people feel uncomfortable because you’re actually honest and transparent and are attempting real connection rather than hiding it. Never mind that we are supposed to “bear one another’s burdens”(Galatians 6:2) and that we are “competent to counsel”(Roamans 15:14) each other when we are in Christ studying and serving alongside each other. We are so worried that someone will think we don’t have it all together and because our worldy society has taught us the dog-eat-dog ideology, we synchronize that with church and keep on pretending there too.
Listen, I can tell you that I am completely praying and willing to allow Jesus’ “eyes like flaming fire”(Rev 1:14) to look down into my soul and burn out my impurities, I pray that he reveals areas of my life that I need to repent in and I do. I love the Lord, I want to serve Him, I want and do share Him with others. I do read my Bible and find more and more to love and worship Him for every day.
My struggle with depression isn’t because I don’t trust God enough, or have hidden sin in my life! Honestly, if I didn’t understand God’s word or His love for me and others, I would probably be one of the statistics. I “feel” Paul when he said, “for me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.” I know I have a perfect Heaven to look forward to with my perfect and loving Savior, I can’t even begin to imagine how wonderful it’s going to be because my human mind has not seen anything wonderful enough to relate it to. But I also know that unless we the church( the actual body of believers..not the building) don’t take the gospel message to this world and actually disciple people they won’t have the same hope and assurance we do. This means I will need to live in this fallen and broken world to live out my purpose under Jesus’ authority. Living in a fallen broken world dominated by Satan means I’m going to be exposed to things that cause me to suffer. My sufferings are nothing like what others have endured, even to the point of death, but they are still real. So that’s me, that’s my testimony about it but I’m not the only one.
Did you know one of the greatest preachers of all time suffered with depression as well? Charles Spurgeon prayed this in his autobiography,
“Thou art my Father, and I am Thy child, and thou as a father, art tender and full of mercy. I could not bear to see my child suffer as Thou makest me suffer; and if I saw him tormented as I am now, I would do what I could to help him, and put my arms under him to sustain him. Wilt thou hide thy face from me, my father? Wilt thou still lay on me thy heavy hand, and not give me a smile from thy countenance?”
Charles Spurgeon-from his autobiography
Clearly he knows and believes in the Lord and clearly he’s heavily vexed. In his sermon the saddest cry from the Cross,” he says;
“Quite involuntarily, unhappiness of mind, depression of spirit, and sorrow of heart will come upon you. You may be without any real reason for grief, and yet may become among the most unhappy of men.”
Charles Spurgeon from his sermon “The Saddest Cry of the Cross”
Spurgeon recognized there often isn’t any real reason for his depression but the grief just comes. Spurgeon’s life has already been analyzed by Biblical scholars and all agree he was a spiritual giant. His sermons are studied in seminaries world wide and they still counsel and lead and teach others about Christ after his death! Yet, he admits to struggling with depression and anxiety. Google it and read through his sermons! My intent is this, if you’re reading this and you’re struggling and thinking you can’t be a good Christian and participate in the work of the Kingdom, understand that’s false! That is exactly the kind of attack Satan would employ to take you out of the race so he doesn’t have to worry about you sharing the gospel or discipling. He wants to so cripple you in your mind so that you are useless for the Kingdom. Don’t let him. Show up even on the bad days! If you don’t struggle and you’re reading this, please issue grace toward us. I’m the first to admit that sometimes our (all humans) turmoil can be caused from sin, by poor decisions we make that we need to recognize, be broken hearted over, ask forgiveness for, and turn away from (repent). Sometimes other people’s sin affects us negatively causing sorrow, and sometimes just like Spurgeon, its sudden and seemingly unprovoked. We need you to hold space for us, and be with us, and keep our hands on the plow, encourage us in the Lord, and walk alongside us gently pointing to Him and the hope and assurance we have. We aren’t unfit, unreliable, or undependable, we are broken crayons that by the grace of God alone are totally capable of coloring! Let’s Untether from those thoughts as we battle to take our thoughts captive and focus them on the will of Christ,” (2 Corinth 10:5) and “focus on things that are true, pure, lovely, and Holy.” (Phil 4:8) Being vulnerable enough to admit where you struggle is perhaps the greatest display of bravery. I’ll close with a quote a friend shared this morning, coincidentally she has held space for me, and I have attempted to do the same for her. She too struggles in different ways, but she has a brilliant mind and a sold-out heart for the Lord too, and so, when given the opportunity, “we lean on each other, so we don’t have to sleep with our heads in the mud”-Bubba (Forest Gump).
Please don’t read this as a condoning of walking with someone in sin or participating in it. Don’t read this as enabling someone to sin either. As you hold space for someone you may find that the relationship that you build DOES IN FACT impact the outcome, hopefully in a positive and Jesus giving way!
What does it mean to hold space for someone else? It means we are willing to walk alongside another person in whatever journey they’re on without judging them, making them feel inadequate, trying to fix them, or trying to impact the outcome. When we hold space for other people, we open our hearts, offer unconditional support, and let go of judgement and control.
So last blog I inundated ya’ll with a ton of Scripture and only part of a conversation Gracie and I had had, and not much context into the Scripture passage…believe it or not I could have written even more on that…but then it would have turned into WAY more than a blog…I won’t do that today! But, today’s blog is based on conversation too, several of them actually.
Often, I get in my own head, I’m an overthinker, that song that says, “it’s me, hi, I’m the problem it’s me” is so accurate when it comes to the source of my anxiety and stress. And before ya’ll get triggered, yes, I KNOW the Bible says to “not be anxious about anything but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”(Phil 4:6) I’m working on it ya’ll, I promise! If you deal with this mess, you know that you KNOW you have blessings and logically you can see truth and reason, but you have to hitch those feelings to your engine of obedience and fight through and force them to follow to get the train down the track because they just don’t want to get on board sometimes.
That’s exactly what this post is about actually, the “if you deal with this too.” One of the most eye-opening weeks I have had recently was joining my hubby on a work trip and getting to have lunch and adventure with several of the wives of his teammates. Every single one of them is in my position now or has gone through it recently. They understand the struggles because they’ve been through them. As we sat there and shared with one another and were honest, and vulnerable with each other I began to feel less alone and definitely like I had a support system of ladies who understood me. We kept saying, GURL ME TOO!
I had a similar conversation with friend this morning, the Lord had laid her on my heart on several occasions, so I just decided to text her and basically says, “hey gurl hey, you ok?” I mean that isn’t exactly how the conversation went down and I actually stopped and prayed for her and prayed for my reaching out to her but as we sat there and visited through text back and forth and discussed some of our struggles, we had a “me too” moment. We both felt seen and heard and were able to encourage one another and not feel like we were on islands by ourselves. Sometimes you just have to row on over to your friend’s island and see what they have going on that you can get into with them or help them with! Truthfully, its biblical. We weren’t meant to do all of this alone. In fact, alone is the place where you’re easiest to pick off, just like those animals the lions, hyenas, and leopards go after. They don’t get the ones in the middle of the group, they get the isolated ones. We truly are better together.
My friend this morning reminded me of a Harry Potter quote that I had just watched, she said it’s just like when Luna Lovegood tells Harry, “Well if I were “You-Know-Who,” I’d want you to feel cut off from everyone else, because if it’s just you alone, you’re not as much of a threat.” Ummm exactly, this is exactly the kind of tactic the devil will employ! What does God’s word say?
This is exactly what groups like MOPS (mothers of preschoolers) is about. I remember being a young mother of young children and feeling so alone and like I was the only one struggling with all the things I was. I spoke at a MOPS meeting before, but my message wasn’t the beauty of MOPS, I don’t know if I added any real value at all, the beauty of that meeting was seeing all of those mothers leaning into each other and having, GURL ME TOO, moments and leaning into the Lord and encouraging one another.
I was thumbing through Charlie Mackesy’s book, “The boy, the Mole, the Fox, and the Horse” this morning. They had some, girl me too, moments too. One of which I’ll share from the book below.
When we open up to each other and get vulnerable and honest with each other, we connect and are able to share each other’s loads and not feel alone.
As a society we have incorrectly associated vulnerability as a weakness. Quite the opposite is true, Brene Brown has some of the best dialogue I’ve seen when it comes to being vulnerable, here’s a snapshot of some of her quotes,
In order to have “gurl me too” moments and to truly connect with each other and support each other we have to untether from vulnerability as a weakness and have the courage to be vulnerable with each other. Granted, some measure of consideration into wise counsel should be given, especially given the nature about what you are about to divulge. But find your people and jump into the trench with them. Be an encouragement to them and let them know they are not alone, let them encourage you! When we recognize we are all broken crayons that can still color, we acknowledge our brokenness and our weaknesses and let God do what only he can do! God’s grace is sufficient for you, his strength (which is infinite) is made perfect in weakness. (2 Corinth 12:9) It takes bringing your broken pieces to the Lord and coloring with them anyway so he can oversee the masterpiece that’s the big picture of what all those broken pieces are coloring together!
Earlier today and all of yesterday I was, in fact, uninspired. Not really uninspired to write but just down in the dumps, “feeling”, sort of useless, and very not like every parent tells their children they are “special.” Today as it rained again, I ascertained these are the normal feelings of so many grey days in a row for me, so, on the way home, I started trying to intentionally take my thoughts captive and focus my mind on pure, lovely, and holy, things. Yes, I’m using my own biblical counseling strategy to counsel myself. I got home, turned on some lights, and tackled one task that needed to be done. I was already feeling better.
Some years ago, my family accepted a very gracious invitation to attend a family retreat at Frontier Camp on Houston County Lake, near Grapeland, TX. We lived close enough to travel back and forth for the daily activities, but many other families stayed in the cabins at camp. That is a precious memory for our family as we did so many things together with other families, from the big swing to arrow tag, dodgeball, decorating cookies, gaga ball (which I think we are supposed to call something else), basketball, and so many other activities, but the one that sticks with us most as a family, was a Bible study. The retreat pastor shared a very real and vulnerable story about parenting and his family, whom we knew personally, our son will spend this coming weekend with his son, and they are in their 20’s now! The message was on Godly living, with multiple passages from the Bible encouraging us to Walk Worthy in the manner in which we are called, as ambassadors for Christ, sons and daughters of God, our citizenship being in Heaven and representing like it!
He shared that “Walk Worthy” was a regular phrase that came from his mouth as his kids left the home for school or work, it became a regular phrase to the kids, bonus and biological, as they left my home too. Occasionally, I’d chase them out the door just to shout, “I love you, Walk Worthy!” as they got in their cars. It was a sign that one of our incredible mentors in youth made for us, and to my knowledge, is still hanging above the youth room door as a challenge to live out the faith you say you believe in your daily life to this very day.
As I sat there thinking on that wonderful experience at Frontier Camp, and our continued relationships with so many of those camp families, and about us sharing that message with youth so much so that it became their motto too. We even had our own double W “Walk Worthy” “hand sign” we would sometimes use to silently encourage each other. Today, it occurred to me, the very act of pushing through and taking my thoughts captive and forcing them to align with the will of Christ WAS walking worthy. Daily choices we make, especially on the hard days are what walking worthy is all about. I had to untether myself from the unhealthy thoughts and tether myself to thoughts of Christ! Let’s walk worthy brothers and sisters, and when we stumble a bit, grab hold of one another and encourage each other on!
There have been many times I’ve prayed for rain over hayfields and crops and one time when we had a drought in Texas and had over 100 days of over 100 degrees with no rain, I think people who had never prayed, began praying! It’s easy in those times to be thankful for the rain and to run out and dance in it as it soaks into the ground and cools your skin. You can almost hear the vegetation breathe a sigh of relief.
Lately though, especially where we are now, it rains often, you don’t have to pray for it, you might be more tempted to pray for it to not happen! After the addition of some high-grade titanium to my body, I can usually predict the rain a day before it arrives, even my hip groans, and I’m more likely to be thankful for the massage chair in that moment. We have no lack of rain, and cloudy days, this doesn’t always bode well for my mental health or my attitude, sunshine makes me happy.
The other day as I sat praying on a day it rained from before I got up to long after I had gone to bed, I began really thinking about the difference between sunshine and rain and how without the rain I wouldn’t even know how much I love the sunshine. It took rainy, cold days to teach me gratitude for the warmth of the sunshine warming my skin and seeping into those achy joints.
I realized I was thankful for the rain. This got me to thinking about certain trials and tribulations I have been through and how if I had not experienced them, I wouldn’t be grateful for the deliverance from them or the growth they caused in me. This definitely sounds incredibly like that first chapter of James even though we often don’t always “consider it joy when we encounter trials of many kinds,” but we definitely want the endurance and growth they produce! We can’t have one without the other, but we can have a more grateful attitude when we grow through the trials.
As I sat in the sun that next day soaking it in like a lizard on a fence post, feeling the warmth spread through my body and my mind, I thanked God first for the cold rainy day before, because without it I wouldn’t have appreciated the golden rays painting the ground a soft yellow as they filtered through the leaves and splashed their golden glow all round nearly as much! I wonder how many other things we should stop and meditate on that were tough and uncomfortable, that truly taught us to be grateful for new seasons to come if we untether ourselves from the discomfort and tether ourselves to the growth it will eventually produce.
Based on the title it may sound like I intend to tell you to say whatever you want and do whatever you want without any regard for anything else…if that’s what you’re looking for you can stop now, we’re going left at Albuquerque!
Oh y’all are still with me! Blogging for me has been sort of crazy! It’s felt sort of therapeutic and it’s helped to release things in me that I guess I needed out plus, it’s made me “feel” creative.
If you know me, you know I’m creative but in very quirky ways. My mother on the other hand, can draw a master piece with a #2 pencil, as can my brother and at least 2 of my children and 2 of their cousins. Drawing, painting, decorating is not really my thing. I like to decorate with my “treasures” which consist of different types of pine cones from different species of pines, acorns from different species of oaks, sea shells, barnacles, coral and other sea treasure from our adventures to the coast, tumbleweeds, antlers, random cool rocks and pretty feathers. I also like glass as it holds and displays my many treasures! God has already created these things and they are so unique and beautiful.
Treasures
This brings me to the discussion I was having with a friend over coffee one day. She takes amazing pictures and can turn these pictures into incredible paintings. We surmised that the need to be creative and to create things is innate. That when God said, “Let us make man in our image,” in Genesis 1:26 that being creative is part of that image in which we were made because we were created by the Master Creator. Don’t think I’m jumping off the deep end I’m just saying it is an incredible outlet that fuels rejuvenation for a lot of people and seems to be a natural impulse or compulsion even if you don’t recognize that’s what you’re doing!
After a long day of school work my son, Tristan, often escapes out to his forge and creates some really cool things out there with metal, usually knives. He also loves to build/create on Minecraft! My husband loves working with his hands and loves to create/build/design things that are useful to others, sometimes just aesthetics like the set of rings he made a group of us for Christmas one year, and sometimes entire machines that aid his teammates on the job. I have a friend who makes the most amazing cards for different occasions that you could ever dream up, and my daughter, Gracie, doodles things that should probably be sold on greeting cards and stationary! Some people write and sing music or poetry, books, or short stories….or blogs! Blogging is a way I am able to express my desire to create. It helps me process the thoughts in my mind and organize all the crazy running around up there!
I put off writing a blog or a book for years because I was scared of how people would respond and honestly, that I’d look or say something dumb. I think that’s probably inevitable, but I’m not afraid of it any more. I had a friend tell me one time that there was an “idiot seat” at every table and at some point everyone takes a turn in it! The trick is, once you realize it was your turn and you’re the one sitting there, you learn from it and don’t camp out! That kind of thinking untethered me from thoughts of failure to the point of not even trying, and tethered me to growth. Wesley, my oldest son, had an MMA coach that taught his students “we don’t lose, we learn.” Being able to untether myself from fear of rejection and failure, and tether myself to growth and learning gave me the courage I needed to be creative, and it’s helped me feel so much more balanced! What about you? How is it that you love to be creative?
Several years ago, my husband discovered Inky Johnson’s testimony, and it was so powerful that we ended up showing it to our youth at the time. We quote so many things from Inky but one of the things that has been especially moving to me has been his view on commitment. He quoted Orebela Gbenga’s definition which says, “Commitment means staying loyal to what you said you were going to do long after the mood you said it in has left you.” That’s so powerful, and it’s so true. I mean just think about your exercise schedule. I’ll be honest and say the me who makes the exercise plan in the evening is not the same me who wakes up to execute it the next morning. I’m “feeling” it at 9 in the evening, but when that next day comes, I find that I’m not nearly as loyal to those plans!
When seasons of your life change, it can be the same with your faith, or in the interest of full transparency, it is with mine. I’m not the biggest fan of major change I have discovered. As God transitioned us from the last season to this season, part of me was excited for new adventures, but another part was anxious and not crazy about that being permanent or all little things that would change in big ways as a result. I remember one of Shaun’s teammates asking me, “are you ready for this?” and my response being, “I don’t always agree with God, but I do always have to be obedient to Him.”
We had bathed this decision in prayer and while we knew it was going to be a difficult one, we also genuinely believed it was what God was affirming we should do. Shaun more than me because that meant leaving a child (granted he was nearly 20 but still) behind. Shaun was positive and I wasn’t sure, but as the spiritual head of our household, I trust Shaun and we submit to God together. And…. so we took that step of faith. In a lot of ways, it was exciting, and we’ve gotten to experience some really awesome things, but there have also been some really tough, really not so good very bad days and more tears than I could count. It’s those days that test your commitment to being obedient.
Sometimes you just have to choo choo on and let obedience be the engine and your feelings be the caboose. There’s some days I just don’t “feel” it, maybe because its difficult, maybe because it hurts, maybe because I’m tired, maybe because I’m lazy, but I still must respond to those days with the same level of commitment I “feel” on the good days when things are going swimmingly. I’ve experienced more than one day that I just wanted things to go back to the comfort and familiarity of the way they were, but I press on towards the goal and God gives me little affirmations (which I totally don’t deserve, and He doesn’t have to provide) along the way. Paul wrote in 1Corinthians Chapter 9:24-27 about self-discipline and running your race so as to obtain the prize.
I don’t know about ya’ll, but if I just hop up from this computer and go out to run a race I really hope the EMT’s are close! I have so much respect for runners and the way they train and are so self-disciplined so that they are able to run long distances. I’m sure they don’t always “feel” it, but they run anyway. This is the same with our obedience to Christ, it takes being self-disciplined on the days we don’t “feel” it to build a track record of obedience. Sometimes it takes becoming untethered to your feelings and tethered to that commitment you made to Christ to be obedient, and like Paul says, sometimes you have to beat your body into submission!
One of the coolest things I’ve personally gotten to see this past year was Niagra Falls. We spent several days there exploring both the Canadian side and the American side. No matter where you stand, the roar of that much water is unmistakable, powerful, and demands respect. In fact, we stayed in a hotel on the American side near the Falls and once I had seen the falls the first day, I knew the roar I was hearing at night while sleeping in the hotel was the falls. I’ll never forget that sound or that sight!
While studying Revelation, before Nancy Guthrie even mentioned it, when John described Jesus’ voice in verse 1:15, I was already thinking, unmistakable, powerful, worthy of awe and respect like Niagra Falls! In John 10:27 Jesus says his sheep know His voice, I thought about how that compared to me not knowing what the sound was the night before, and then having an encounter with Niagra Falls the next day and knowing exactly what that sound was the next night. It’s the same with Jesus.
This study of Revelation has been so wild for me. I have to admit that I approached Revelation with some definite presuppositions about what I thought it said. When I challenged myself to lay those aside and study it with these ladies anew, I’m finding so much comfort and peace….in apocalyptic literature! That sounds oxymoronic, but it’s true!
I had, and you may too, some presuppositions about Jesus. We’ve seen how the Old Testament points to a coming King, and we’ve seen the prophets prophesy about Him, we’ve seen Him come to Earth as a baby and seen his earthly ministry. We saw a humble servant, the Jews struggled with that, and I often allow my mind to picture him as a meek, suffering servant. The resurrected Jesus is that and so much more, and we need to allow that to shape how we think about Him.
There’s so much to the description of Jesus in Rev 1:12-18 that bears dwelling upon. The first thing that struck me after the sound of his voice, was his garments. One of my most favorite things about the Bible is its internal consistency, how from Genesis to Revelation there’s one giant metanarrative and more threads than one that connect into a rich, firm, theological tapestry. In Exodus there’s an exhaustive explanation of priestly garments that are to be made for the priests and High priest, who makes sacrifices in the Holy of Holies. We know that Jesus is our High Preist and that he gave His life as the final atoning sacrifice (Hebrews 4:14 and chapter 10). So when we see John describe Jesus’ garments, the high priestly garments, puzzle pieces just click into place! The sash doesn’t just indicate a High Priest, but the King! The hair of his head being white as snow is one and the same as Daniel’s description of the Ancient of Days in chapter 7. This is starting to build a picture of Jesus as he is now, as not only Savior, but King and just like one of those “as seen only on TV” commercials, BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE…. and you don’t even have to pay the extra shipping! John continues a description of Jesus that is worth dwelling on some more and adding to your mental model, but his reaction is the real kicker for me!
Remember back in John’s gospel in 13:23 when John is casually reclining(chillin) next to Jesus. They were close friends, John KNEW Jesus and felt comfortable with him, the Bible described John as the disciple whom Jesus loved, yet John’s response to seeing the resurrected King? He fell on his face as if he were dead and Jesus reached out and laid his right hand upon John and said,
“……Do not be afraid; I am the first and the last, and behold, I am alive forevermore, and I have the keys of death and of Hades.”
Jesus- Revelation 1:17-18
Bruh! Can you imagine!? John sees something different about Jesus and so should we! What a comfort for Jesus to lovingly reach out and touch John, and then to speak and say so much in so few words! An I AM statement affirming He is God, but to say I was dead, I took possession of the keys of death and hades, and I am alive forever more controlling the when, and the who of death, hades and Heaven. I’ve counseled kids and adults alike after they’ve lost someone, sometimes not in their old age but suddenly and unexpectedly. Often the concern in our despair is, was it too soon? We know it wasn’t, because whoever has the keys opens the door and He’s never surprised by the timing even if we are. No loved one has ever gone too early or somewhere they weren’t supposed to because Jesus himself is there opening doors and giving access. That is an incredible comfort to me as I’m sure it was to John who, at that time, was exiled on the island of Patmos, presumably to die, but Jesus said only when I open the door! What a comfort to those in Christ! I find so much comfort in untethering myself from my presuppositions and tethering myself to the truth of God’s Word and our Savior and King, Jesus Christ.
I experience major trepidation when encountering things I know little about or things I am unfamiliar with. See my previous blog which mentions my irritation of driving in an unfamiliar town after moving. I get major anxiety sometimes, and sometimes, when possible, I try to avoid the situation all together. Often when I’m invited to a new restaurant, I will look up the menu ahead of time so I can prepare myself to order before I ever set foot in the restaurant. Sometimes I know whatever it is, it is necessary to muster up the courage and just get through it even if I bumble through it. I’ve talked to plenty of other women who have experienced the same or similar things.
Having been a firearms instructor for 10 years and owned my own gun shop and training center, I have had tons of clients who have come in with a major fear of firearms, so much so that they have avoided them at all costs. I have had the opportunity to educate so many people by teaching them proper nomenclature, parts of a firearm and their functions, as well as how to safely operate those firearms. Usually, there’s this beautiful moment in a class or private lesson where I can almost see the weight and tension slide off client because they finally understand how the firearm works and why and how to safely use it. Thier trepidation had little to do with the actual firearm and more to do with a fear of the unknown and possibly hurting themselves or someone else in their ignorance.
I recently experienced this in my own life, with a book of all things! I mentioned I had been to seminary and when I walked across that stage and received my Masters, one of the things that I had learned was that I didn’t know ALL the things! One such thing I felt incredibly underconfident in teaching or understanding any more than the basic facts about was the book of Revelation. So, like any reasonable person would do, I avoided it! I mean there’s 65 other books in the Bible that I feel a whole lot more comfortable with, this ONE book isn’t THAT crucial right?! Except I say the entire Bible is the divinely inspired, inerrant, Word of God which has absolute authority….and I believe that…..so it’s super important to not leave any part of it out!
Prior to the Nancy Guthrie study, Blessed, which I mentioned in the “Loved” blog post, when I heard the word Revelation as referring to the book of the Bible, I instantly thought “apocalypse”. I could hear that bell hop from the Disney show, “The Suite Life of Zack and Cody” say, “Ahhhhhhhhhhh! This is a disaster,” in his thick Spanish accent. But God, two of my favorite words in the Bible, placed people in my life who encouraged me and were willing to sit down with me and take another look, and I’m so grateful. Now when I think of the book of Revelation, I rightly think “reveal”. Revelation is just a continuation of the other 65 books which reveals the person and work of Jesus Christ to us. It reveals how and who Jesus is now, prior to His second coming and gives us such comfort and relief, and as someone who suffers from anxiety and depression, I’m definitely wanting to untether myself from fear which causes my anxiety and tether myself to knowledge, especially through the revelation of Jesus Christ. It’s a no brainer now that I’m sitting here typing trying to articulate it, but if you know how anxiety works, you know it feels overwhelming at the time.
Don’t miss out on things just because you have a fear of the unknown, untether yourself from fear-based actions and tether yourself to study and education, and especially to the Word of God which is truly sufficient for all things. If you have trepidation over Revelation too, maybe sitting down with a copy of “Blessed” will help you untether yourself from the confusion and tether yourself more tightly to Jesus, our Savior and King.
That’s something I think everyone wants to feel, like they are seen by someone else and have value, those three statements were made from a place of deep love for the development of someone they cared so deeply about. Nothing had been done to earn that “special treatment”, it was freely given, often is the case between a parent and an infant. Often, or in my experience, as we get older, and society begins to warp our thinking and sometimes the way we love others we fall into the trap of performance-based love.
I remember as a girl feeling like my parents loved me more if I made straight A’s or sat 1st chair in whichever band I was in. I’m sure that wasn’t really true as I have 3 kids of my own and love them whether they do amazing things or perfectly regular things or even bad things. I don’t love the bad things but I do love them. no matter what. I repeat the phrase, “there’s nothing you could ever do or say to make me not love you,” regularly.
We don’t always feel that way though, especially since the inventions of social media. We are in a terrible habit of feeling worthy and lovable when other people tell us we are through our likes and engagements on social platforms and external validation is what begins to shape what we believe about ourselves. This unfortunately effects our ability to receive feedback that could help us grow because rather than responding to it with an eagerness to learn and grow we perceive it as rejection and an attack that makes us feel unaccepted and unloved. I have definitely been guilty of this, and still am from time to time. Unfortunately, I have allowed myself to be affected so much by this external validation, and performance-based love that I have often had thoughts about why anyone would or does love me.
Recently, I was invited to join a virtual Bible study by a friend. First, just the act of being invited is such a loving, thoughtful thing, so thanks for that, friend, I will be sure to do the same for others! We are studying a Nancy Guthrie book called, “Blessed” over the book of Revelation in the Bible. As I worked diligently through the 1st set of lesson questions I was loving the style and structure which caused us to focus on the one giant metanarrative of the entire Bible which is God’s great love for us culminating in the gospel message of Jesus’ birth, death, burial, and resurrection. It all points to Jesus.
We were looking specifically at Revelation 1 verses 5-7 and discussing what it reveals to us about Jesus, about who he is, what he has done, and what he’s going to do.
“and from Jesus Christ, the faithful witness, the firstborn of the dead, and the ruler of the kings of the earth. To Him who loves us and released us from our sis by His blood.”
The very next question instructed us to dwell upon one or two aspects of the previous question that were particularly meaningful to us. In full transparency and vulnerability, I wrote, “loved-because often enough I don’t “feel” like I’m worth loving or understand why anyone would love me.” Second, I wrote, ” released- words cannot describe how it feels to have Jesus take all your ugly/evil and pay the ultimate price of death for it without you doing a thing to earn it or deserve it and then still be able, but more than that willing and wanting, to look you in the eye knowing everything about you and still love you and want a relationship with you.” I couldn’t even type that without tearing up all over again. Jesus, my Savior and King of Kings, loves me that much and knows everything about me. This is true for you too.
Truthfully, I’m not sure my life would be at all the same or even be still happening if it wasn’t for someone being willing to share about Jesus and His great love for me and then a lot of someones discipling me so that I truly know that the ultimate authority on all things is God and the Word of God. What His word says is true regardless of what is going on in the world, and regardless of how I “feel”. When I read what His word says about me, since I am in Christ, because I value it as the ultimate authority, regardless of how I feel, I find I can face tomorrow. (If you know me personally you know that just made me think of a song!) In Christ all that ugly/evil that I know about myself is no longer condemning because His word tells me that’s true,
Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
Don’t forget to go back and read what the “therefore” is there for, the previous chapter talks about believers being united to Christ and then proceeds into the result being deliverance from bondage to sin. Isn’t that so comforting? Comfort is the opposite of what I feel when I listen to the lies of the devil who seeks to kill, steal, and destroy (John 10:10). Unfortunately, he’s able to steal my joy and comfort with thoughts from inside my own head sometimes. It’s why Paul warned us to take every thought captive and conform it to the will of Christ in 2Corinthians 10:5 and told us to focus on whatever is true, pure, lovely, and holy in Philippians 4:8. I have to untether myself from the thoughts and opinions of others, and sometimes from my own thoughts and opinions of myself, and tether myself to what God’s word says about me in Christ. This may be true for you too. Even when I don’t “feel” it, “I will praise Him because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” Psalm 139:14. I hope this draws you to God and His word and gives you the courage to live a life untethered to the lies of the world, the flesh, and the devil, and tethered to Jesus. Definitely reach out if you have questions!
*Disclaimer-if I mentioned a book or movie I linked it to Amazon for purchase should you want to which I could earn a commission from!
Raychel Writes 