When I’m in my feels I write, it gives me something productive to do instead of just cry.
Over the last 2 years we’ve done a lot of waving and hugging bye and it still hasn’t gotten any easier, and nothing prepares you.
Nothing really prepares you for the vacancy at home, For waking up to an empty house and being all alone.
The missing sound of tiny feet and all the chatter being gone. Driving away after holidays with empty seats just feels wrong.
Nothing prepares you for leaving them behind, or watching them drive out the driveway to go back to their home, or the feeling that poisons that last day together knowing tomorrow you’ll wake up empty and alone.
Nothing prepares you for the tightness in your chest and the invisible hand around your neck. Just when you think you’ve got the battle won and you can make it, the memories flood back!
The tears cloud your vision at random times in the day, and the pain that comes with missing them dulls but never goes away. It’s not as though they’re completely gone, you’ll see them again, you’ll arrange vacations and visits and burn up the FaceTime calls until you’re back together with them.
The time is never long enough, you hate for them to leave. No one really prepares you for your bigs to grow up or the way it makes you grieve. When the first ones out you begin to grieve the others if they’re close, even though they’re still at home you know all of them leaving will hurt the most. You learn to treasure the moments and the time that you have left, you hold them a little tighter and hug a little longer and don’t explain your eyes when they randomly become wet. Nothing can prepare you for the way letting them grow up feels, even though you know it’s the right way you, just long for those big sit down family meals.
The laughter around the table now is a balm that heals your soul, and the pile of shoes and chaos that maybe used to bother you is let go!
Nothing really prepares you when all of you grow old, maybe something will come along and ease the ache someday like a grand baby to hold.
I am definitely not the inventor of that phrase but it’s so very true. It’s a lesson that has taken me way into my adult years to learn where it applies to myself, but I have no trouble seeing the beautiful masterpieces other self-proclaimed broken people color with their lives. More specifically, one of my favorite things to do is to help others see the masterpieces they have painted or are still capable of painting through their brokenness as they cling to God. They literally paint the survival guide for someone going through the same thing. While I see this beauty in others, I often have a tough time recognizing it in myself. Just the other day I encouraged a friend who was struggling with his brokenness with the same words of this title. But 2 weeks later while I was having a pity party, I protested to my husband about my uselessness because I’m broken!
Sidenote
* Ya’ll should probably pray for him because while we are all saints as believers in Christ (1Corinth 1:2) this man is like a hyper saint, just saying.
This is not something our boys have ever struggled with. They’ve learned this lesson and demonstrated it to me on more than one occasion, two that still bring tears to my eyes. We had been to the zoo and on a rare splurge each of the kids selected an overpriced animal from the gift shop. They were young, Tristan, our youngest, was probably 5 or 6 years old. Later in the year we discovered one of the dogs had used one of the back legs of T’s warthog as a chew toy and it was badly mangled. While headed on my way to throw him in the trash, Tristan took off to the bathroom asking if we had any band aids. Instead of throwing him out, Tristan’s first thought was to heal or bandage what was broken. When he realized I was about throw the wart hog away he was incredulous and took him from my hands with tears in his eyes as he said, “if I was wounded would you just throw me out?” …..and the Oscar goes to….TRISTAN. However, Tristan is now 16 and we still have that warthog with medical tape on his back leg which I dutifully applied through tears!
As I sit here unpacking Christmas ornaments, I came across what has become the mascot for our tree and truthfully my life. Frist of all, I am not allowed to do our main tree as a fancy themed tree. I did this one year and was so proud of myself and even had a few people comment about how it looked like it belonged to a department store. My kids HATED it, they prefer our crazy ornaments collected throughout the years that hold special memories and sentimental value. Deep down I agree with them. And so it is that the first ornament I unpacked this year would be the glass dinosaur with the band aid on his bum where his tail should be. Tristan went through a dinosaur stage as every little boy does and had received a treasured dino ornament for Christmas one year. Not wanting a repeat of the warthog guilt as even without a leg that warthog still dutifully snuggles, when we discovered the dino’s tail had broken off, I quickly set to work healing what was broken. That dino still looks beautiful on the tree and under our skilled hands we are able to place him in positions to shine without ever really noticing he’s broken.
This is our relationship with God the Father. We are all broken by our sin and the sufferings of this world wrought by ours and others sin (Rom 3:23). But in Christ we are new creations (2Corinthians 5:17). He starts a work in us that will be completed on the day Christ Jesus returns (Phil 1:6). Healing and restoration is a process for anyone, but we have a supernatural healer working on us who promises to stay right by our sides regardless of the path he calls us to walk (Psalm 23, Psalm 18.33). We have a supernatural strength inside us even in our weakness for when we are weak, Christ’s “grace is sufficient for us and His power is made perfect in weakness” (2Corinth 12:9). When Paul wrote Philippians 4:13 he wasn’t saying he could lift an SUV through Christ who strengthens him, or pass a test, win a game, get a promotion etc. He was talking about persevering through any season of life and any circumstance because of the power of Christ inside him, being content and joyful in seemingly unjoyful circumstances like prison and poverty, for Paul, because of our hope in our Savior Jesus Christ. When we are tethered to Jesus, regardless of our brokenness and hurt, be it physical or emotional we are broken crayons that can very much still color! We are that warthog with the bandaged leg and the dino with the bandaged bum, still useful to our Creator who is more than capable of healing our brokenness!
Duck hunting was a natural next on the list of ways to enjoy the outdoors with our family, the trouble is Shaun hadn’t ever been a duck hunter and obviously neither had I. We happened to have a couple of friends who were also a hubby and wife hunting and fishing duo that were big into duck hunting and more than willing to teach us. We had a place to hunt as our deer lease was more of a duck lease since the vast majority of it stayed under water more often than not, so we invited them to come and stay with us over a long weekend so they could teach us the ways of their people!
Cristy brought down an extra pair of waders she thought would fit me and we bought some for Shaun. Before we could ever get out to that field of flooded timber, we were making memories just trying on waders. Cristy is an athlete, incredibly coordinated at all times and picks up literally everything naturally, just like my hubby, Shaun. As she instructed me to put on those waders for the first time, it was clear I wasn’t nearly as coordinated and “a natural” as they are. She literally had to tuck me into them. I am, even if not natural, a very fast learner, and picked up walking in them on land, in water, and in mud, which are actually different, very quickly.
We had watched a lot of duck calling videos and done a lot of practicing after learning the differences in duck calls, reeds, and sounds. When Cristy and Cade, who are very experienced callers came down, rather than tell us to just let them do the calling, they listened to us, demonstrated for us, and encouraged us to call alongside them. I’m not an insanely confident person which usually comes as a surprise to everyone so their encouragement to do something I was way uncomfortable with meant the world to me. That was honestly the tone of the whole trip. I’m sure there were times when they looked at each other and probably thought “these yahoos,” but they demonstrated such patience with us even if we drove them nuts with novice mistakes.
Our pack of kids stayed home as the adults headed out for an adventure. We arrived at the deer lease and even standing there unloading shotguns and decoys and shimmying into our waders, we were seeing some birds flying and hearing some too! As we headed out into that flooded timber and got the decoys out and got stationed in our shooting positions, we talked strategy, and they began to call a bit. Up until this point, I had seen duck dogs but never had one and didn’t realize the true benefit of them quite yet. We had a few birds circling and we were trying the calls to entice them back, learning what calls to blow and what sounds to make and when as they circled overhead or flew farther out. We did get a few to come in and since we were stationed in positions a little away from each other they seemed to like where the guys were slightly better than where Cristy and I were.
Shaun and Cade had gotten a few birds and were enjoying themselves as were Cristy and I, both of us admiring our husbands and enjoying the outdoors. Maybe it’s just me, but I think my hubby is insanely attractive and I love watching him do what he loves, it amplifies the attractiveness whether its hunting or building something. I think it’s totally healthy to swoon over your husband while you’re enjoying life and adventures together. I get that’s not part of a normal hunting story, but I never claimed to be normal!
Anyhow, we were hearing some quacking and rasping overhead but they weren’t committed to coming in and Cristy encouraged me to hit them with a “comeback call”, and I did. I was so worried I’d sound like an idiot, but I had a basic idea of what she meant by that, and she stood pretty close to me talking me quietly through it. She and I were keeping our heads down while watching the ducks and she was instructing me and how to call and what to say depending on how they were responding and where they were overhead, just like we had talked about at home. They seemed to be committing and circling to come into where we were, and I was getting excited and nervous as shotgun has not been my strongest discipline. I was hoping I was smart enough and coordinated enough to put all these working parts together! Did I mention that Cristy is a coach? On your first duck hunt, it is INCREDIBLY valuable to have a bonafide coach in your ear! The birds had been talking back and had circled low enough to let us know they were committed to coming in. As they cupped up, we got the go ahead and I raised my shotgun as they came across our opening leading one by about the length of a loaf of bread and squeezed! He went down immediately, and we could see my first duck had been a mallard drake. That green head was unmistakable. There may have been cheering and high fiving!
The process to get those birds to come in was tedious and took patience I don’t usually demonstrate along with knowing when to call and what to say! That was so exciting, and I was feeling my confidence in some brand-new skills build. As a hunter and in life in general, you should never stop learning. This is when we got a brand-new lesson about the value of duck dogs. Shaun and Cade volunteered to go retrieve the birds and as they were slowly and carefully walking through the water out to where my duck had gone down, the water was rising slightly higher on their waders, but they were making good progress. They were being careful not to get tripped up on underwater logs and hazards as they made their way out. We were watching the pair of them sort of wade out when, all of a sudden, one of them disappeared. While the water here was pretty deep for flooded timber and there were signs of beaver activity on nearby trees, the water was really only about waste deep, chest in a couple of areas. As they were walking out, they encountered what was obviously a very slick and well worn trail under the water that was much deeper than the rest of the area. Waders do a great job of keeping water out as long as you don’t wade into water deeper than they come up on your body!
In a lake, topping your waders could be so dangerous, in this situation he was able to gain purchase and his head wasn’t even under water long as he sprung right back up. If he had been sliding down an underwater shelf on a lake or river however, the weight of the water now inside the waders would make it difficult to swim and he would have had to have the presence of mind to quickly unbuckle and hopefully shimmy out of the waders and donate them to the lake. Did I mention the water during duck season could literally be freezing depending on where you are hunting? I don’t think I could shimmy out of mine that easily! Duck dogs don’t have this problem, they just swim right out and grab your bird and swim right back! A duck dog is clearly a valuable partner to have in the field! Lesson learned, wish list started! Also I topped my own waders the next hunt coming back and stumbling in knee deep water! We were getting a dog!
Even though this hunt was years ago, I still consider myself a rookie duck hunter, even once we got dogs. I got better at calling and Shaun of course took to this new style of hunting like a fish to water. We have enjoyed many more hunts together, all of them successful because we got out and enjoyed the outdoors with each other and others, some of them were just more bountiful than others and like all of our hunts, led to life-long friendships and memories! I still have a curly tail feather off that drake and think about this hunt every time I see it!
My first dove hunt was also my kiddos’ first dove hunt and like most of my hunts, Shaun and his dad were the ones to teach us and take us. This story is also not in chronological order because we already had gotten dogs to retrieve and trained them at this point. The getting of the dogs was a result of sliding down a beaver run well over waders on a duck hunt, but that’s a story for another time! Just as an FYI waders do a great job of keeping water out as long as you don’t get water higher on your body than the waders go up.
One of our favorite things to do is share our love of hunting with others and build relationships that usually lead to lifelong friendships, meaningful conversations, and tons of memories. Dad had had a friend of his tell him how much his grandson wanted to go dove hunting and he would be happy for us all to go together on a piece of property he owned. Naturally, we were happy and excited to oblige.
First, we all met together in the field and talked strategy and safety. Dad and Shaun helped us to understand what to expect and how adrenaline and excitement might make us have a tendency to react in an unsafe manner. I talked through gun safety and we demonstrated proper movements and then Dad and Shaun gave us our marching orders!
Tristan and I were stationed away from the pasture the others were walking through and we positioned ourselves where we had seen dove flying in, of course at dad’s suggestion. I remember T’s first dove about as well as I do his first duck although he didn’t get quite as excited. He was shooting my old 20ga pump Mossberg which I think may be called a Maverick and we had our German Wirehaired Pointer, Maverick, with us. We saw the dove headed our direction and T positioned himself to safely shoot, I still remember the huge grin he had on his face when that bird started falling, T’s eyes wide open. We sent Mavie to retrieve it and he rushed over and found it, picked it up, promptly carried it few feet towards us, and spit it out like it tasted bad! Repeated commands to fetch it up were unsuccessful as he would walk over and sit down by the bird and look at us as if to say, “its literally right here, YOU can pick it up.” Mavie was duck crazy, I guess something about the dove feathers he just didn’t like.
We stayed there that evening hearing gunfire across the pasture as the others in our group were getting shots at birds, but the most memorable sound was that of laughter and conversation as they walked through the goat weeds and either jumped birds or flushed birds Ripp found. Ripp, our other GWP, didn’t have a care in the world about what he retrieved. You could tell him to fetch up hairbrushes and bottles and he was just as happy doing that as he was bringing you back a mallard! On the way over to mine and T’s spot he had actually retrieved my first dove and then went with Shaun and the others.
Dove hunting in Texas is hot and since we didn’t want to overheat the dogs, we were giving Mavie a break from finding our birds, while still encouraging him to retrieve them. It was his first dove hunt too, and I took off to retrieve a bird T had shot. We had talked about letting anything that flew in the same direction go while I was out, and that T’s only shot was behind us. About the time I reached the downed bird, I had to search for it. I heard T scream and Mavie yelp. I yelled to him to find out what had happened, and he screamed what sounded like, “I shot Maverick.” Instant horror began building in my gut but there had been no shot, so I was also confused. Running back to him and Mavie I could see T running to me and that they both physically seemed unscathed although Tristan was crying, and Mavie was huddled under his chair. When I finally got him settled enough to repeat himself, I learned that because he was determined to hunt behind him and not put me in danger, he was moving he and Mavie around so they could see behind them.
While petting Mavie, T also touched the electric cross fence on accident! He had screamed, “I SHOCKED Maverick!” I should be a better parent, I should be a better dog owner, my first instinct should not have been to bust out laughing, but I guess I’m neither of those things because, knowing they were both fine, I laughed really loudly and really hard, Tristan didn’t find it all that funny.
A little later T had downed a bird over on the other side of that electric cross fence and shimmied under to retrieve it rather than chancing Mavie again, and besides we could see it and it wasn’t far, which made Mavie and his hate for dove feathers unnecessary in this instance. As T handed me the dove over the fence, excited as he was for his great shot and swift recovery, he began leaning forward and touched that fence AGAIN all while I was trying to gain his attention and stop him! Today this story is hilarious, Tristan is incredibly leery of electric fences, and we tease him mercilessly every time we are around one but even he can look back at his younger self and have a laugh!
This hunt led to years more with Dad’s friend’s grandson and our family, a lifelong friendship between the kids, and more memories than we can count, as well as some really good food! The laughter and tears, the relationships built with the dogs and each other are as priceless as the memories we collectively share.
When Shaun and I first got married at 18 and 19, we weren’t swimming in money as you can probably imagine, and from early on learned to be very resourceful. One of the ways we could use the money we had for other essential necessities was to adhere to the motto “kill it, catch it, or grow it” in regards to our groceries. We have never been trophy hunters even though we do have some precious and impressive memories on the wall.
My first successful deer season where I had the privilege of filling one of our doe tags and contributing meat to the freezer for our family will live forever sketched on “my favorite moments in hunting trail” on memory lane. It was my second year to hunt not having seen anything legal the entire season the year before. My father-in-law picked me up on his way to the deer lease for an evening hunt while my hubby was working nights. Dad and I hunting together while Shaun was at work would become a regular occurrence for which I am forever grateful! At the time, Shaun and I were sharing his Winchester lever action .243 which I had brought with me, unloaded of course until we actually got to out of the truck to hunt. I don’t remember how or why it happened, but I ended up with Dad’s .243 a Remington Mohawk which was the gun I later shot my first hog with and all 3 of our kids shot their first deer and hogs with as well. Priceless for it’s sentimentality as even a glance evokes a flood of memories of time spent with our family in the woods together.
Dad decided, due to my inexperience in hunting I’m sure, to forego going to his own stand and instead hunted with me. He watched me as I climbed up in my ladder stand, still to the dismay of my husband who prefers a climbing stand, made sure I got up safely and got seated and then made sure I loaded a round into the chamber of his rifle after I got settled. He then went behind and to the left of me to climb in Shaun’s climbing stand much higher than I would ever feel comfortable! We sat there in the cool air, a fortunate thing because hunting season in Texas is often still incredibly hot. I practiced being still and moving my eyes only and ever so slightly my head. I sang songs in my head, I distinctly remember having that song from the movie Hocus Pocus stuck in my head, the one when they are trying to lure the children and I adapted the lyrics to fit my current hunting adventure. I was feeling pretty satisfied with my creativity, and stillness, sitting there in that oak bottom as the sun was slowly going down for the day and the bottom seemed to glow the orange you see in those hallmark movies.
I couldn’t see dad because he was behind me but I was sure he was watching me for movement and everything else so I was on my game making sure I applied every hunting strategy I had been taught or seen as well as being safe. In reality, the man was asleep way above me in that climbing stand probably watching a continuous feed of hunting shows behind his eyelids! I only found this out after I shot one of the does that came busting in. While I sat and silently partied in my head to my song and how good I was doing and how proud dad was going to be of me, 3 does came from the other side of the bottom directly in front of me walking cautiously as does do, but straight in my direction. I later surmised that they caught a whiff of something not quite right even though we had sprayed with scent killer because they turned circling left when they reached the spot right about where we walked in. As they circled out there to the left I began the torturously slow practice of raising my rifle and getting into position as they passed behind trees. When I was in position I waited for my moment and as the largest doe out front paused to inspect the acorns on the ground, I was positive I had a good safe shot, I breathed in and began to slowly release as I took aim, stopped and slowly squeezed the trigger. It was instantly obvious I had made a good shot. It wasn’t far probably 80 yards or so and she ran about 30 after I hit her and I watched her fall.
I’m not really sure if I made any noise other than the sound of my labored breathing because of my RAPIDLY beating heart. I knew I was struggling not to shake as I squeezed the trigger. I sat there for several minutes trying to control my breathing and also being extremely excited, I tried to lean around behind me to see dad, but his back was to me, and he was starting his descent to the ground. When he reached me, he wore a giant smile bordering laughter and gestured for me to make sure I had unloaded the gun before I climbed down. I remember trying to get my legs to work to climb down and they were shaking so badly both dad and I were sure I was going to fall, so he made me turn back around and sit down for a few more minutes. Then this man had the audacity to ask me what I had shot at and scared him half to death! This is when I found out he was taking a nap and that my shot had scared him awake and he never saw the does. I explained and pointed to where the doe was laying, you could just barely see the white of her belly from where we were but when he looked back to me, the pride on his face was unmistakable and his smile could not have gotten any wider. He coaxed me out of the stand slowly and gently, I’m sure he was gentler with me at this particular time because we had just learned that I was pregnant with his first grandchild, I don’t think we even knew the sex yet. When I reached the ground there was hugging and high fiving and since I was still shaking, he insisted on me wearing his jacket in addition to my own!
We tagged her, my first time ever getting to fill out a tag at 20 years old, loaded her up and headed for the truck. When we got home, Dad was adamant we take a picture before skinning and quartering her into the cooler. We didn’t have cell phone cameras quite yet. I still have that picture and I think of all of these words and more every time I see it, it is true, a picture really is worth a thousand words. I felt such a sense of accomplishment knowing that I had been able to provide food for our family and safely participate in a time-honored way of life that my husband’s family had been handing down for generations.
Actual pic dad snapped with a real film camera! Still wearing his jacket!
Please tell me you pronounced that title like it was said on “The Princess Bride”!? In all actuality I was wanting to stay in my horse world with horse thoughts, but I’m doing a zoom Bible study with a group of women about combatting lies we have believed with the truth found in the Word of God. This week was about???? You guessed it MAWAGE, or in case you haven’t seen “The Princess Bride”, (shame on you! LOL) marriage.
Coming from a broken home in a society where divorce is the norm I really never understood the symbolism of marriage. I understood that it was an important commitment to be taken seriously and except in cases of extreme exceptions, marriage is lifelong. I didn’t start to truly grasp the Biblical imagery of marriage until well over a decade into my marriage. Additionally, I carried and still catch myself carrying some unhealthy or incorrect thoughts, fears, and ideas about marriage. It is always when I come to the Word of God that I am able to see those imperfections and allow His Word to correct them and then act on them.
We understand the concepts of monogamy, and faithfulness that are true of a marriage, in Genesis 2:24 “husband and wife are joined together and become one flesh.” We even see the Old Testament prophets (specifically Hosea)compare God’s people to a wife cheating on her husband, God.
Often, we incorrectly think marriage means one or the other spouse loses their individuality. This was especially true in my case when well-intentioned people taught me what is required of me to be a Godly wife and explained the expectation of submissiveness citing Ephesians 5:22. Under their tutelage my life would now revolve around my husband and I would care for his every need, clean the house, wash the clothes, raise the children, make myself available to him and serve him. Under instruction like that, I was basically walking rebellion looking for a place to happen. If you look at that entire passage and unpack the rest of it and back up to Ephesians 4:15-16 as well, you understand that “as husbands are to be the head of the wife as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything,” we are really talking about leadership and so much more. Unpack that whole passage from Eph 5:22 down to verse 33 and sprinkle in Eph 4!
Ephesians 5:22-33New American Standard Bible 1995
Marriage Like Christ and the Church
22 Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. 24 But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, 26 so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 that He might present to Himself the church [a]in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. 28 So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; 29 for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, 30 because we are members of His body. 31 For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. 32 This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she [b]respects her husband.
Understanding God’s attributes also helps us to better understand the relationship between husband and wife as we submit to the authority of God. We know that God is needless, and is not served by human hands according to Acts 17:25. We also know that according to Psalm 145:8-9 that He is gracious, merciful, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and good to all. In the passage in Ephesians 5 above, we see evidence of the husband’s responsibility to exhibit characteristics of these attributes, and trust me, a man like that is easy to follow! The body of Christ has Christ as the head, the leader. So a wife should be inclined to follow the husband’s leadership. John Piper uses “the inclination to yield or a disposition to follow because no subjection to another human is absolute. The husband does not replace Christ as the woman’s supreme authority.” Humans, including our husbands, are sinful and we should never follow them into sin. This is certainly building the picture of a relationship between husband and wife that because I love and trust him, I want to follow him while understanding we are both in subjection to God as we together follow Him.
Interesting, now we’re getting somewhere I’m on board with going. This is painting a picture of God’s relationship with His people, the church, believers in Christ Jesus as Savior and Lord. Just as God allowed the use of the different individual writing styles of the men who penned the 66 books of the Bible as the Holy Spirit led, being in submission to God or our husband’s doesn’t mean we lose our individuality nor are we becoming their nanny as if they aren’t capable of doing anything for themselves. We are all members of one body, but all do not have the same function, yet all are needed for the body to be complete and effective. Just as members of the body are gifted with certain spiritual giftings to be used to serve and make the body of Christ stronger and more effective, I also have individual and specific traits that when paired with my husband make our partnership better, capable of more than we could each achieve separately. The hand may bring food to the mouth, and the mouth may chew, but the nutrients never get used in the body without the digestive system. All of these parts are needed to work in their individual ways collectively to accomplish a main goal. While I have had the great privilege of being able to stay home with our kids and start my own business while my hubby works outside the home, I do end up doing most of the housework, childcare, and a lot of the cooking, but make no mistake, my hubby is capable of doing all of those things too and does as do our kids. He doesn’t do them to “help me out,” he does them because he lives here too, and we together had children and we all collectively make the messes so we all collectively clean them up.
For years I compared myself to women I held on a pedestal of being the perfect submissive wives with their clean houses and washed folded, and put away laundry, their organizing gadgets, and their calm, gentle and quiet ways with everyone. I tend to be a little louder, and sometimes too opinionated, I don’t think mating socks should ever have been a thing, and I like tidy, but I also prefer our home look like we live there, and you can feel comfortable relaxing there too. I have always been what others previously called a tomboy, I prefer the outside to the inside and when I am inside, I like to bring the outside in with me, so it doesn’t feel quite so inside. I love so many of the things the boys love, hunting, fishing, muscle cars and tough trucks, baseball, shooting, and don’t mind competing with them to prove it, since birth ya’ll. All of these things together made me feel like I’d never be the perfect organized, decorative, clean freak, soft-spoken, timid, servant and prayer warrior of wife that I thought I had to be. All I can say now is, THANK GOD I’M NOT what I thought I was supposed to be. Those women are absolutely what THEIR husbands need, and they are slaying what God called them to do inside THEIR giftings for THEIR families.
My husband needed all of the things I thought were wrong about me as well as being a servant of Christ and prayer warrior! He’s needed an actual warrior at times to stand beside him and wield a sword and he’s needed me to stand in front and shield him when he’s needed to catch a breath. My kids, all believers, have been made Holy through the blood of Christ, but they are also a little hood! So sometimes I have to break out my hood side and set things straight! We’re a little hood and holy! I honestly think if I was less Jael and more Esther or Naomi like, that I wouldn’t have been capable of being up to the task of being Shaun’s help mate! The way God made me wasn’t a mistake and I’m not some rebellious jezebel, which I have actually been called, bless her heart, I know she meant well. I’m definitely a sinner who needed a Savior and I’m in definite need of staying in the Word of God and asking forgiveness when I realize I have behaved in a way that is contrary to God’s will, but I was uniquely made by Him for MY race and MY family so I have different strengths and talents than other women who need what God gifted THEM with for THEIR families and THEIR RACE.
You may be feeling some of these same things too. I’ve talked with many a woman who doesn’t understand why she was made a certain way instead of like some other lady whom she clearly admires. I can assure you; I’ve been there, and comparison is a joy thief and, in this case, a great way the enemy attacks and whoops up on us or lets us whoop up on ourselves! I can also assure you that God does not make mistakes, He is perfect the Bible says so in Matthew 5:48. As long as you are following Him and yielding to His leadership your fierceness, timidity, or insert any adjective that obviously does not contradict the word of God, meaning it is not sinful. Those qualities about you are exactly the way you are supposed to be for YOUR race as you pursue Christ and use your uniqueness to help both the body of Christ be more effective as well as your marriage while you use them in your role as wife and bondservant of Christ!
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My bestie just sent me a super fun insta reel of someone describing what it means to give off “horse girl” vibes. There were several girls attempting to jump several jumps as a horse would in an arena and the conversation is layered over the video. At the end, the one thing that truly defines a horse girl is being unapologetically themselves. I instantly replied that I definitely aspire to be a horse girl when I grow up!
Toddler me and the beginning of a life long love!
The truth is I’ve been around horses all of my life and I’ve been around girls who love horses equally as much as I do and girls who love them even more than I do. I think we all unapologetically admit to our love of horses even when it seems crazy or financially irresponsible, but one thing I know about all of us from the most experienced and successful to the hobby horse lover, is that we are all susceptible to the lies Satan is so good at tempting us to believe, especially about ourselves. Even the most unapologetically themselves horse girl has doubts, fears, and sometimes anxiety that her horse can sometimes be the cause of and sometimes temporarily relieve!
Smokey gets so excited to see me he sits right down for a visit sometimes! These are the best conversations!
This is something I’ve been thinking a lot about lately. I’ve declared on more than one occasion that horses are the most stressful stress relievers on the planet, any horse related endeavor can often be a logistical nightmare! My relationship with my equine has taught me so much and caused me to reflect on myself and situations with new eyes. ( I say equine because if I left my mule, Smokey, out of my musings he’d be offended and surely retaliate in an inconvenient but not dangerous way, he can be petty sometimes!)
Mountain views scream the magnificence of God our Creator
When I go out to feed, check on, ride, or just smell my equine they could care less what I look like, or how I’m dressed. They spell love T-I-M-E and also maybe F-E-E-D (insert laughy face) but seriously, they don’t care what I look like, or smell like as long as I show up. It should go without saying that my relationship with God is the same way, He doesn’t care what I look like, how I smell, make up or no make up, messy bun or ball cap.
Lena poses for selfies and always goes with the flow!
When I climb through that fence and I spend time with my arms around one of my equine, listening to their snorting as they eat grass, their tails swishing and breathing in their smell, or I simply just sit in the pasture and be near them, watching them and observing their behavior I find myself relaxing, breathing more deeply, and experiencing a moment of peace. This is the same way I feel every time I am intentional to seek God, to spend time in His Word and allow His Word to correct with it’s truths the lies I’ve been deceived into believing, but unlike the pasture, long after I’ve gone on with the rest of my day, His word is hidden in my heart and His presence dwelling within me continues to guide and direct me.
Mo and Cricket are not nearly as impressed with Wesley’s antics
It is very often as I stand draped across or around one of the horses or riding at sunrise on a cool mountain morning that my soul sings in gratitude of the goodness of God. I specifically remember one morning ride in the mountains in Colorado while the sun began to rise and pierce through the last yellow leaves of the aspens to bathe the forest floor. As we quietly rode through the unbelievable beauty of God’s creation, tears streamed down my face and my soul seemed to hum a song in awe of God’s magnificence. Talking to the Lord while breathing in the aroma of horse (why is this not a candle) is a common occurrence for me. There’s something about the view from the saddle, or even the pasture that always shifts my gaze and my thoughts to the Lord.
Colorado morning mountain rides
Horse girls may have some defining characteristics, like hay in their hair, poop on their boots, being able to tack out by themselves and maybe seeming a little obsessed with our equine sometimes, but for me, God has used my love of horses(and mules) to show me things about His love for me and how much more peaceful and rooted I stand when I’m intentional about seeking Him, observing Him, and spending time in His Word and His presence.
Pedernales Falls, TX with Lena, Cricket and Skeeter and the kiddos
This Mother’s Day felt different than those that have come before. For the second year in a row I did not have all 3 kids together with me but while I missed my oldest terribly, it didn’t hurt as bad as it did the year before. As I reflected on my life and all of the things that have changed drastically over the last two years, one of the things that hasn’t changed is being mom.
I heard a lady once say that she understood the highest calling on her life was being a mother to the children the Lord blessed her with to raise and that she would not stoop to be the Queen of England if it got in the way of her fulfilling that calling. At that time, it was a soothing balm to my soul. I had heard another very successful, brilliant business woman call stay at home moms, especially ones with a degree, parasitic leaches on their husbands. I was just about to graduate from college with my undergraduate but had no plans on immediately entering the workforce as my husband and I had decided I would home school our kids. I took that lady’s comment hard. That was in 2010 and I can still hear her like it was yesterday, so the other woman’s God centered encouragement was a seed of truth planted in the soil of my faith at exactly the right time.
This is not to say that I have not struggled with needing or wanting to do other things that I was capable of doing while schooling and loving my kiddos. I started a business, volunteered on our Chamber Board and helped to serve our community, and had the blessing and honor of serving first as a volunteer and later on staff at our church directing youth. I went to graduate school and collected certificates for many other trainings. So many things, so many hats. Each of those seasons has changed as God has moved in our lives and challenged us to walk more deeply into new places and seasons with Him. I struggled heavily at first as many of the posts on this blog will affirm, I felt I had become untethered from so many of the things in my life that seemed to make me who I was rather than just things I did.
If you’re reading this and you’re a mom, chances are you are shaking your head because this is something you already knew, but sometimes I can be really slow on the uptake. While reflecting this Mother’s Day I realized that so many things about my life change and will continue to change as I follow the Lord, but one thing that will never change, because it is not a season, is being mom! It’s ok that “being mom” is part of my identity, I love being a mother! I have found an incredible blessing in this season of not having a ton of other hats to wear and getting to just be mom. I’ve discovered new things about my “kids” 20, 18 and 16 (not technically kids but ya know), I’ve discovered new recipes we love as we’ve had time to experiment in the kitchen together. We’ve learned to dance together, traveled more together, laughed more, cried more, and loved more together! We’ve learned to be more intentional with one another. Those nightly phone calls around dinner time that usually start with, “Hey Mama Bear, how do I cook (random favorite food), or what’s the recipe for…..” are music to my ears and make my heart swell with joy. I cherish our calls and time together better, especially that very intentional Mother’s Day one for just me! Even though we don’t live together anymore, I’m still mom, (or Mama Bear as the oldest calls me) and as the other two get older and eventually “fly the coop,” I’m going to be an absolute mess, but I’m still going to be mom! I still get to love them and speak words of encouragement and truth to them. I will always get to be Mom. aka Mama Bear, Ma, MUH- THER, Maaaahhhhhhhhm, MMMMAAAAHH, Mama Ray and random other variations from our bonus kids I’m privileged to get to love on beside their parents too!
At this point the world knows I have a 60 pound escape artist of a tortoise! He’s escaped at our home in Texas and he’s escaped at our home in Virginia. The first time he escaped it was completely my fault, I left the gates open! Future escapes have been because he’s strong, or major rain events have caused deterioration to his pen, or something on his pen broke or wore out like this last time. Sometimes it takes us a bit to figure out what we need to fix. As a result he’s now outfitted with a tracker!
There’s always tears and heartache when I lose Franklin. This time was no different. He was gone for 6 days and I cried every one of them. I searched every single day even in the rain knowing the weather was too cool in the evenings for him to go too far or move too much. He was ultimately found less than a half mile from the house by the sweetest girls who were just as elated at having found him an reunited him with us as we were that they found him and he was safe and sound.
I realized while taking steps to ensure we don’t have to go through this heartache again that there was something far more beautiful that has happened each time Frankie has been found.
In our community in Texas and in our community here in Virginia when the trumpet blast was sounded via social media, word of mouth, and text or phone calls, the community sprung into action to help us. When people you don’t know, have never met, and maybe never will, take the time to not only share your post, but to physically go out and walk the neighborhood, to message or comment words of encouragement and let you know they’re praying it ads dimension to the relief of finding Frankie. This is the beauty of community! God created us in His image which includes living in relationship and community together with Him but also with each other.
Finding Frankie in Texas and Virginia has come with its beauty and relief but seeing communities come together to support us in both of those places has been so much more beautiful. Honestly, we were longing for the same type of connection to our new community here in Virginia that we have in Texas. Finding Frankie helped us to see the beauty of this precious community and see with new eyes the joy of connecting to others in it.
I can only imagine what life was like in the early church in Acts chapter 2 as they daily met together and broke bread in their homes and shared their meals and “God added daily to their numbers those who were being saved!” Acts 2:47
Community, connection, unity is important, Paul writes about having the same mind in Philippians 2 loving one another and being united in spirit intent on one purpose. Specifically, he even noted to consider others interests as important as your own.
Our community considered my interests in Finding Frankie. They demonstrated love to us and we are so grateful to be a part of them, but also to see God’s word more clearly as we think about living in community and being united in one spirit intent on furthering the gospel.
This may mean sacrificing my time, my wants, my preferences so that someone else will come to know Jesus as Savior and King. As I reflect on how our community responded in love to help us find Frankie, I also reflect on God’s word and purpose for our lives and the tenacity with which he leaves the 99 to find the one lost (Matt 18 and Luke 15) and hope that we demonstrate that same zeal for sharing the gospel with the lost!
Have you ever walked around in the dark behind someone who had a flashlight but you didn’t? I remember this one time, in Texas of course, we were hog hunting. I can’t remember if Shaun and I were dating or had just gotten married but we were hog hunting with dogs with Shaun’s dad. I was new to hog hunting and had not run in and caught my first hog at that point. At that time I was the one who ran in after the dogs had caught and the guys had reached the hog and needed someone to pull the catch dogs off and secure them. Anyway, the bay dogs bayed in a pine thicket and we were fairly close, Shaun and his dad took off running with the catch dogs pausing to let them go as soon as they were close enough. You could hear the rally of hogs when they ran in. You could also hear the moment the catch dogs caught. I was not as brave, courageous, crazy at that time and didn’t run in as fast as the guys but I was headed that way. I was jogging in the pitch black of night without a flash light or a head light on my cap while hogs of various sizes were running out right past me and away! I remember being terrified but knowing I had to show up and do my part on our team. Depending on the size of the hog or if they had two separate hogs rather than one, they could use my help. I literally started saying out loud over and over, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me,” from Philippians 4 verse 13. Granted, I was taking it wildly out of context because I didn’t know any better at that time but in retrospect even then, in my belief I realized where strength and power came from. I realized that to go on in difficult or terrifying situations I would have to rely on God.
Fast forward 22 years, more hog hunts than I can count although now we don’t have any dogs to enjoy chasing around the woods and we do our night hunting with thermals, a whole other level of disorienting and not being able to decipher what you’re seeing with your naked eyes when switching back and forth for a while walking around. I was meeting the hubs for dinner, but needed to get diesel because I’m one of those people who likes to let it get dangerously low. In my defense the light had not even come on this time! Now that I’m in my forties I find it difficult to read things without my glasses, this is a fun little thing that is apparently gifted to you pretty much on your 40th birthday. Anyhow, I couldn’t really read the sign to tell how much diesel was from that distance but the closer I got the more clearly I could see it. I was reflecting on the fact that I can actually see long distances well and it is usually only reading and computer work I struggle with. Then I reminisced about hog hunting experiences when I didn’t have a light or a thermal and just trusted following along behind Shaun or Daddy (Shaun’s Dad).
I thought about how much that describes my faith, realizing that when Paul wrote that we “walk by faith and not by sight” in 2nd Corinthians 5:7 he was talking about believing in the gospel and works of God when we have not seen it as Jesus mentioned in John 20:29. The Old Testament Jews witnessed the power of God in mighty ways and many of the New Testament Jews and Gentiles, witnessed Jesus Himself. For me it’s always easier to trust something I’ve seen with my own eyes, but that’s not faith, you have indisputable proof and answers, you don’t have to have faith. To me, I do have indisputable proof of the truths of the Bible, both historical and experiential, but I don’t have all of the answers or understand everything, that’s why walking by faith is necessary.
Not having needed the therapy session of writing in a while I was able to dwell on what the Lord has brought me through and assured me of in this new season. If he had allowed me to see the big picture in fine detail like I can when I put my reading glasses on, I wouldn’t have learned as much, grown as much, tasted humble pie that I didn’t want to eat but definitely needed a piece of, and I wouldn’t be as grateful for the goodness and faithfulness of God as I am right now. As I drove towards those gas stations last night continuing to move forward but not knowing which one I was going to pull into until I could clearly see the prices, I thought that’s exactly what this last season looked like. We knew the direction we were supposed to walk obediently in but we couldn’t see the picture clearly. My focus is so much clearer now and God and an amazing group of Bible study ladies, have helped me to untether from needing to walk by sight and tether myself to walking by faith even when I can’t see clearly.
We joke sometimes in Bible study, especially when studying Revelation, when we struggle with something we are reading that we always just go back to the attributes of God and think about what we KNOW about his character revealed to us plainly in His word, and then think about how what we are struggling with aligns with His attributes and the metanarrative of the Bible. If it isn’t for our good and His glory and to win people to the Lord or help them walk in obedience then it’s stinking thinking. Walking in faith means I don’t always understand, but just like my relationship with my husband…and our dogs…I trust him, even when it’s scary, or I’m hurting, I walk forward in obedience, sometimes having to drag my feelings along behind me, and just as they are now, eventually the picture becomes clearer and more of God’s amazing character is revealed and my feelings align with my obedience. I see God continuing to work on me just as He promised! If I had seen it clearly in the beginning it wouldn’t have caused me to grow or stand more in awe and worship giving God the glory and trusting Him even more. I’m so grateful He’s not finished with me yet, even if moving forward isn’t always easy!
Raychel Writes 